My #metoo story

I have made poor decisions as a teenager. One in particular was to date and fall for a man that was 4-5 years older than me (or so he said, turns out he was closer to 8-10 years my senior) at 17. I dated this person for almost 2 years. We started dating in July 2001. On Dec 7th, 3 days after my 18th birthday, he hit me for the first time. He cried, pled, and apologized. He said he had just lost his temper and didn’t mean to hit me across the face. I forgave him. I thought I was strong enough to walk away if it happened again. But I wasn’t. 

Sadly, this isn’t just about physical abuse. He worked nights and when he’d come home, where I was living with him, he’d expect me to have sex with him. It didn’t matter whether I wanted to or not. He forced me. If you knew me before I had kids, or even before I joined the Army, I was 5’10 and maybe 130-140lbs. During that time, I was closer to 115-125lbs. I wasn’t able to hold food down. I was so stressed from the verbal, physical, and mental abuse. In February (I can’t remember which year), he threw me down in an alley and was about to kick the crap out of me, but a family ran out of their yard to stop him.  

Another time I missed the bus from work and needed a ride home. I walked around to a better lit side of the mall (I worked at Macy’s in White Marsh) but he thought I was cheating on him with some people waiting in the bus stop in the better lit area. I refused to let him verbally abuse me. I screamed at him and slapped him for calling me horrid names. He beat the living shit out of me. He ripped my earring out of my second hole in my left ear. He busted my lip, bloodied my nose, and gave me a black eye. We were riding in a pick up truck with our roommate driving and screaming for him to stop hitting me. He continued to hit me in the back of my head until I decided to go limp because I thought if he thought he knocked me out, he wouldn’t kill me. Thankfully it worked. 

I still stayed because by this time I felt trapped. I deserved this because I hit him first. I was wrong but that didn’t make him right.

He raped me numerous times but I never felt comfortable saying that because he was my boyfriend. I loved him. I was terrified of him. And it was my place to have sex with him even if I didn’t want to. Why didn’t I want to? What was wrong with me? Did I love him enough? Didn’t I enjoy being intimate with the man I loved?  

When I finally got the strength to leave after two attempts on my own life mind you. He stalked me, begged to talk to me, to try to hash things out, to try to win me back. He came to my mom’s apartment to talk. I met him at the community center, where I knew there were cameras. He begged and pleaded for us to get back together. I stood my ground. I was so proud. 

He insisted on walking me back to the apartment, where he forced his way in, pulled a knife on me, threatening to kill me. Fortunately the phone rang and I managed to answer it before he got to it. He shushed me while holding the steak knife at me. I said “GET OUT BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE!” So he left. I don’t remember much right after that because I was so terrified. I didn’t call the police. I was scared of escalating the situation because I knew it would only be a restraining order. He would kill me if I pushed it. I would never be able to convict him. I would die first.

Then he found out that I would be at a club with friends. He waited outside until closing when we all walked out with the crowds. I got separated from my friends. Then he grabbed me. I fortunately wasn’t too scared to scream. “LET GO OF ME! I DONT WANT TO GO WITH YOU! LEAVE ME ALONE!” 

The crowd of mostly drunken people immediately went into action separating us and pushing me away from him. Then I found my friends and started walking to the parking garage we parked in. That’s when he came running at us claiming to have a gun, knocking me over, scrapping me up and attacking the one male in the group of friends. I decided to press charges. Enough was enough right? Either way I was probably going to be severely injured or die, I have to show what is happening.

At trial, I couldn’t mention anything that happened to me prior to that night. I couldn’t explain our relationship, the rape, the abuse, the stalking, none of it. The judge wouldn’t allow it! Because I had no proof and I hadn’t called the police in those instances. The charges were dismissed saying he pushed me down due to his momentum from running. 

Tell me again how the system helps victims. Tell me again how we should report assault. Tell me again that we will be protected, saved, believed. 

Fuck you. I know we aren’t. I know we won’t. I know because I wasn’t. So fuck you, who say we should have come forward even for assault. 

I’m still not comfortable with discussing the details of the sexual assault and rape I endured during that time frame.